Ramblings

Got lots of stuff going through my mind lately - and I have been keeping it to myself mostly.

Last February - I left my husband, grandchildren, cat, home, job, neighbors, and friends. I was miserable, depressed, and incredibly lonely. I lived in Maine - with a daughter, 7 grandchildren, a sister, 3 nieces, and high school friends in Minnesota, a son, daughter-in-law and grandsons in the state of Washington, and a son, a sister, 3 nephews, a niece, and a best friend in Arizona. I really felt isolated from my family - being the only one on the east coast. I was feeling unloved by my husband and totally inadequate. He was very critical and gone from home a lot. I worked a full time job, took care of his grandchildren -at the time 7 and 9 - they were 4 and 6 when we got custody of them, took them to church, taught Sunday School once a month, did the cub scout thing, dance lessons, did the books for my husbands rental business, screened tenants, collected rents, did the banking, shoveling and tried to find some time for my art classes. I am 56 years old, got tired, depressed and left.

I invited my eldest sister from AZ to come take a road trip with me to Minnesota to keep me company for the move. My sister and brother-in-law and a nephew decided to come out to help. My brother-in-law brought his pick-up and a trailer to help me move all my stuff - which was mostly photos, artwork and books.and of course my faithful companion, Mika. My two sisters who are 10 and 13 years older than me road with me. We had a blast. We hadn't spent much time together in the past quite a few years. Mika and I moved in with my daughter, her husband, 7 children, a dog, 2 cats and a hampster. They welcomed us with open arms. Then we acquired kittens. - Oh, I forgot the fish. I got my own beautiful room. I got to spend time the family I loved. I joined all the festivities with my daughter and her lovely friends, who became my friends. I totally loved her church family. I became wonderful friends with her mother-in-law. I spent great times with my sister and her children. But I couldn't get a full time job with benefits, I was still depressed and lonely. I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel a sense of purpose.

I took a 3 week trip to Arizona to help my sister recuperate from a dual craniotomy and fell in love with the beautiful state of Arizona again. It was like coming home - something about the views of the mountains and deserts tugs at my heartstrings. I ended up moving here - I share a room and bed with my lovely sister. I'm lonely. I don't feel a sense of purpose. I have no goals.

I miss my husband, I miss the grandchildren - I was their anchor for over 3 years - I was their when they went to bed, when they got up. Their papa - was gone a lot. Their mother moved to Maine to be near them, but only saw them once or twice a week. We had a plan - we were working towards our retirement - we planned to have our rentals paid off in less than ten years and be able to retire. The kids kind of put us back a few years - but what wonderful kids. They loved every meal I cooked, they went to bed when told, they got up when told, they giggled all day. I miss them.

My husband (ex) and I have been talking daily. He has been working all summer on not being so critical and has agreed to go to counseling. Am I crazy to consider going back? I had some knocks on the head from God - Once I prayed about getting a full time job and more money - and He said "Why should I give you more, when you weren't a good steward of what I already gave you?" Ouch. I could use the same quote for a fulfilling life with purpose.