home

Well, I made it back to Minnesota. I had a great time in Arizona. My sister is doing awesome. Praise God. I spent time with old friends and made new ones.
It was great to see the grandchildren again. My youngest - going on 2 yrs old - wasn't talking much when I left - it's amazing what 3 weeks will do! He held up his arms to get a hug - proceeded to leave a glob of dripping from his diaper on my white pants. When I set him down, he pointed to the mess and said "Oh, man". Too funny.
I'll post pictures later.
Mika was glad to me - I was afraid she'd give me the cold shoulder, but she couldn't.

Where is Home?

I've been feeling pretty depressed for a long time now - years actually. I haven't been able to put my finger on why.
I finally started going to counseling about 6 months ago - (about 4 or 5 times only) while still living in Maine. Of course - she wanted to start with my childhood.
I have taken anti-depressants off and on for years, but never consistently.
The overlying thought that I have is that I want to go "home", but I don't know where that is. I am always incredibly lonely no matter where I am. I honestly cannot remember the last time I actually felt like I was "home". I always felt like "this is not my house, my home, I don't belong here".
I'm always searching for that feeling of safety, unconditional love, comfort, acceptance. I always come up lacking - and usually blame myself for having too high of expectations.
I have finally decided that I have been looking in all the wrong places. I'm not going to find it in a man, my loving family, any structure. I will only find it in Jesus.
I need to start delving into His Word and to fully rely on Him. I know he loves me as I am and will continue to love me as I struggle to learn to rely on Him, serve Him, obey Him, trust Him, and love Him.