Friday, July 18, 2008

Where is Home?

I've been feeling pretty depressed for a long time now - years actually. I haven't been able to put my finger on why.
I finally started going to counseling about 6 months ago - (about 4 or 5 times only) while still living in Maine. Of course - she wanted to start with my childhood.
I have taken anti-depressants off and on for years, but never consistently.
The overlying thought that I have is that I want to go "home", but I don't know where that is. I am always incredibly lonely no matter where I am. I honestly cannot remember the last time I actually felt like I was "home". I always felt like "this is not my house, my home, I don't belong here".
I'm always searching for that feeling of safety, unconditional love, comfort, acceptance. I always come up lacking - and usually blame myself for having too high of expectations.
I have finally decided that I have been looking in all the wrong places. I'm not going to find it in a man, my loving family, any structure. I will only find it in Jesus.
I need to start delving into His Word and to fully rely on Him. I know he loves me as I am and will continue to love me as I struggle to learn to rely on Him, serve Him, obey Him, trust Him, and love Him.


Charlotte said...

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Do you suppose your depression could have anything to do with your first job? That sounds pretty depressing to me. You're right. The only one that can really help you is Jesus.
When I was growing up we were constantly on the move. Sometimes even living with other relatives.I would think that might make me feel a little disconnected, but my parents always gave me great unconditional love and I think that is probably what made the difference. I have lived many different places but where ever home was, I felt at home. Maybe it could have something to do with trusting God for so long. I first met him when I was about 8 years old.
I've enjoyed your blog. I'll be back.
Hugs & Blessings,

Chatty Crone said...

Thank you for the comment on my Blog. I can certainly identify with you and where you are. Don't ever give up. Go through therapy. Be open to learn about yourself. Home - I think you will find - is what you carry with you all the time - but the journey to understand that - might take some time. Being sensitive is a double edged sword. Take one day at a time and breathe.

Machie Family Genealogy said...

Hey girlfriend - I finally get to read your blog. You may procrastinate and run late all the time for all kinds of things, BUT, in my opinion, you really should write that book you were talking about.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a great writing style?


Well, I am - right now. You have serious writing talent just lurking inside of you itching to get out onto the printed page girl !!

Now don't go tell'n me that I don't know what I'm talking about either!! You know who is writing this and I live with a published author !! Hell, I'm married to one so of course I live with him - DUHHHH

And just so everyone else knows just how talented you are I am telling everyone right now that my husband has chosen her to illustrate the book he is writing.

Come on girlfriend - put some of your artwork on here! I double dare you to do it!!

You talk about relying on Jesus and/or God. Well, you have this terrific talent for art and what are you doing with it?

I think we all want to see some of this talent that was given to you.

Be proud, be very proud indeed!!

You are one terrific person and I cannot wait to see you in person again.


Machie Family Genealogy said...

Now how do I suscribe to your blog? I am serious. I haven't figured out that part yet - tee hee.

Please write to me and let me know.


Machie Family Genealogy said...

Hugs and kisses to you