Monday, January 26, 2009

Moving

Well, decision finally made after much praying, writing down pros and cons, and much deliberating. I'm going back to Maine - to my husband, our business, and our beautiful grandchildren. Now the praying is for the travel back. We are weighing our options. Drive or fly. I'm having a hard time finding any flights that are non-stop so Mika won't be stuck in cargo twice. Not having much luck. My jeep is a '92 and pretty rusted out and will not pass inspection in Maine. We already have 2 vehicles in Maine and don't need this one. My youngest son has agreed reluctantly to travel with me if I need him. I offered a couple of scenarios - a plane ticket back or the jeep. He spontaneously said he'd take the jeep - but in the long run that might be more expensive - with gas money to get him back to Phoenix. We'll keep looking at options and praying. I still haven't set a date. Financially for our business, I should have left this weekend - but I had to give a notice at work. John is sending me traveling money. My car is registered in MN and is up in Jan - ooops. My insurance is late and canceled. My cell phone is late. Things will work out.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Family

I have the most awesome family.

My daughter welcomed me into her home - made sure I had my own space - gave me free rein over the whole house - shared her friends with me - she is awesome. She wants to protect me - she wants what's best for me.

I have two devoted sisters. They are both older than me - and probably far wiser. They have each sacrificed for me. They would do anything to help me. They tend to mother me, and I tend to let them. They want to protect me -and want the best for me.

I have 2 wonderful sons who are also very supportive. They want to protect me. They want what's best for me.

I have neices and nephews who support me, want to protect me, want the best for me.

All of them have heard my tales of woe about my last marriage. I worry that I will disappoint them if I go back. They will still love me, but will they still be supportive?

I wise person once told me that you should not air your marriage problems to your family - they love you more than your spouse and may hold a grudge against your spouse for hurting you.

Goodness! I love them all.

Decisions, decisions

This is a huge decision for me to make. Sometimes, with the passage of time, you forget why you do things. I know I was miserable, I know I was emotionally/verbally abused. I know that I didn't stand up for myself. I also know that I probably could have handled things differently on my end also. We are talking about counseling. My ex has said that he is willing to go for counseling and has been working on being less critical. We are both praying for wisdom.

As many of you probably know - I have been married 4 times. I always end up leaving. I end up with abusive partners. Not physical - but emotional. Can it be different this time? Is it time to stop running? Am I an enabler? Am I a Drama Queen? One thing different about this relationship - is that when I left the first 3 - I didn't look back, it was over. I can't seem to get over this one. I keep sensing that I need to be there - for him, for me, for the grandchildren. I will keep praying.

Not about me

A little more about my recent thoughts. One of the things that bothered me in Maine was that I never felt like the lovely home I lived in was "mine" - it was always my husband's home - then it was always my daughter's home - now it is my sister/neice's home. In Maine I had a lot of stuff that I have carried with me over the years, but it just piled up everywhere - I left a lot when I went to MN - then I left most of that when I moved to AZ.

I figured that maybe I'm looking for something to fill my heart - I lost my mother at age 14 and maybe that is what I need - maybe I need the Lord more - so I have been praying consistently and fervently. I give myself 10 minutes every morning, just thanking and talking to our Lord.

You know what I found out? Nothing here on earth is really ours anyway. I don't miss my stuff, I miss my purpose. I found out that I am really a selfish, whiney, human. I plan to live more as a loved child of God. I pray daily to become more selfless rather than selfish. This world isn't about me it is about Him.

I talked about how the views here tug at my heart strings and always toward God and His awesome creation. Well, when I was in MN driving to and from work - I felt the same tug - when I would see pheasant, or deer (unless it was roadkill), the lakes. When in Maine, I traveled along the Kennebec River every day and never tired of it - it always drew me toward's God's awesomeness. So - I guess you could say - the whole world is God's Country.

Enough - gotta get to work

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ramblings

Got lots of stuff going through my mind lately - and I have been keeping it to myself mostly.

Last February - I left my husband, grandchildren, cat, home, job, neighbors, and friends. I was miserable, depressed, and incredibly lonely. I lived in Maine - with a daughter, 7 grandchildren, a sister, 3 nieces, and high school friends in Minnesota, a son, daughter-in-law and grandsons in the state of Washington, and a son, a sister, 3 nephews, a niece, and a best friend in Arizona. I really felt isolated from my family - being the only one on the east coast. I was feeling unloved by my husband and totally inadequate. He was very critical and gone from home a lot. I worked a full time job, took care of his grandchildren -at the time 7 and 9 - they were 4 and 6 when we got custody of them, took them to church, taught Sunday School once a month, did the cub scout thing, dance lessons, did the books for my husbands rental business, screened tenants, collected rents, did the banking, shoveling and tried to find some time for my art classes. I am 56 years old, got tired, depressed and left.

I invited my eldest sister from AZ to come take a road trip with me to Minnesota to keep me company for the move. My sister and brother-in-law and a nephew decided to come out to help. My brother-in-law brought his pick-up and a trailer to help me move all my stuff - which was mostly photos, artwork and books.and of course my faithful companion, Mika. My two sisters who are 10 and 13 years older than me road with me. We had a blast. We hadn't spent much time together in the past quite a few years. Mika and I moved in with my daughter, her husband, 7 children, a dog, 2 cats and a hampster. They welcomed us with open arms. Then we acquired kittens. - Oh, I forgot the fish. I got my own beautiful room. I got to spend time the family I loved. I joined all the festivities with my daughter and her lovely friends, who became my friends. I totally loved her church family. I became wonderful friends with her mother-in-law. I spent great times with my sister and her children. But I couldn't get a full time job with benefits, I was still depressed and lonely. I didn't feel fulfilled. I didn't feel a sense of purpose.

I took a 3 week trip to Arizona to help my sister recuperate from a dual craniotomy and fell in love with the beautiful state of Arizona again. It was like coming home - something about the views of the mountains and deserts tugs at my heartstrings. I ended up moving here - I share a room and bed with my lovely sister. I'm lonely. I don't feel a sense of purpose. I have no goals.

I miss my husband, I miss the grandchildren - I was their anchor for over 3 years - I was their when they went to bed, when they got up. Their papa - was gone a lot. Their mother moved to Maine to be near them, but only saw them once or twice a week. We had a plan - we were working towards our retirement - we planned to have our rentals paid off in less than ten years and be able to retire. The kids kind of put us back a few years - but what wonderful kids. They loved every meal I cooked, they went to bed when told, they got up when told, they giggled all day. I miss them.

My husband (ex) and I have been talking daily. He has been working all summer on not being so critical and has agreed to go to counseling. Am I crazy to consider going back? I had some knocks on the head from God - Once I prayed about getting a full time job and more money - and He said "Why should I give you more, when you weren't a good steward of what I already gave you?" Ouch. I could use the same quote for a fulfilling life with purpose.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Re Wordless Wednesday Picture

This picture - is actually a large rock we encountered while hiking that is encrusted with coral. Isn't it amazing to see coral on a mountain in Arizona? Try zooming in on the picture to see the details.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Grandma and Cooper


Newest Grandson


I just got back this morning from a quick trip to San Diego. I left Payson at 9 Friday morning - 2 hours later than I planned - first I had to get my oil changed and a new air filter put in. I picked up my youngest son, PJ in Phoenix and off we went to pick up my niece in San Diego and also to visit with my eldest son - who just got transferred to the sub base on Point Loma Linda. He and his wife just had my youngest grandchild a little over 2 weeks ago and were in a hotel in San Diego - their furniture doesn't get delivered until Wed. We had a great time. We left at 8pm last night and didn't get back to Payson until close to 4 this morning - and yes, I got up for church. We got stopped by the border patrol, my son really got patted down - they made us get out of the car - with a sleeping 5 yr old. We weren't allowed to put our hands in our pockets or bring our purses with. I thought they were going to tear the dash right out of the car. They had two dogs search the entire car - of course they didn't find anything, but golly. They did find something in the car in front of us though. Interesting. Any ways - here is a picture of the newest member of my family - he sure looks older and more alert than just being 2 weeks and 2 days old.